Part 35 (1/2)
”Oh, right.” Lizzy looked down and began fiddling with the edge of her ap.r.o.n. ”A letter arrived from Lord Thurston to your mother an hour ago. Mr. Hunter has returned to London.”
”I see,” Kate said carefully. She knew Lizzy had spoken with Hunter about their shared past, but aside from that, neither had broached the subject of the real reason they'd left Pallton House.
The guilt she was experiencing grew. There had to be much more for Lizzy and Hunter to discuss than they could have in the short time they'd been given. And though Kate had encouraged Lizzy to stay behind with Mrs. Summers, Mirabelle, and Whit so she could further her friends.h.i.+p with Hunter, Lizzy had adamantly refused. Kate had no doubt that refusal stemmed from her loyalty to her friend and mistress.
”Would you like to go to London, Lizzy?”
”I wouldn't.” She pulled a face. ”Why should I want to go to London? You know I don't care for it there.”
”Wouldn't you like to speak with Mr. Hunter again?”
”I'll speak with him next time he comes to Haldon Hall and...” Lizzy trailed off and winced. ”I'm sorry, I know you wouldn't care to see him.”
”It's not that I wouldn't care to see him, it's only...” Only that she wanted to see him so terribly that she hurt with it. She shook her head. ”Never mind. If it's not Mr. Hunter you're troubled over, what is it?”
”It is Mr. Hunter, in a way.” Lizzy bit her lip again. ”It's what we spoke of. Well, part of what we spoke of. We didn't speak of it exclusively, or even a very great deal. He mentioned it almost in pa.s.sing, although he was quite clear-”
”What is it, Lizzy?”
”He offered to take care of me.”
”Oh?”
Lizzy nodded. ”A house of my own in Benton and a yearly allowance.”
”I wondered if he would.” She and Evie had planned to offer the same in a few years' time. ”Will you accept?”
”I don't know. What he offered is...it's ridiculous, is what it is,” Lizzy huffed. ”He told me I could have Bethel Manor. Said he bought it a year ago with me in mind and-”
”Bethel Manor? Good heavens.” The house and grounds were enormous. She and Evie couldn't afford anything quite that grand. They'd chosen a small cottage not far from the town square, and they'd had to borrow the money from Whit. ”And a yearly allowance?”
”Five hundred pounds, plus salaries for staff.”
”Five hundred pounds and Bethel Manor?” Kate felt a smile form. ”You're richer than I am.”
Lizzy's eyebrows winged up. ”Am I really?”
”I don't have five hundred pounds a year and my own manor house, do I?”
”I don't have it as yet either.” Brow furrowed, Lizzy walked to the bed to take a seat on the end of the mattress. ”I don't know what to do. I've always been a lady's maid. I don't know how to be anything else.”
”You've never been just a lady's maid,” Kate replied, s.h.i.+fting in her seat to face the bed. ”You're a friend. You always will be.”
”It puts me in an awkward position, to be neither servant nor lady.”
”Then be something else entirely,” Kate suggested. ”You could open a shop. A bookseller's shop. Oh, that would be lovely.”
”Benton all ready has a bookseller's.”
”Yes, but Mr. Kirkland caters to the gentlemen. And a town can never have too many booksellers.” She smiled a little at Lizzy's pained expression. ”Something else, then. A milliner's, a bakery, a blacksmith's if you like. Whatever it is that tickles your fancy.”
”It's not to be a blacksmith,” Lizzy said dryly. ”Or live in a house as grand as Bethel Manor.”
”Well, whatever it is, whatever you decide to do, you know you'll have the support of every Cole at Haldon.”
A light blush bloomed on Lizzy's cheeks. ”Thank you.”
Afraid Lizzy was still hesitant to take Hunter's offer of a.s.sistance because of her, she added, ”I should tell you though, that I'll be giving mine most grudgingly if you refuse what Hunter would give you. I don't fancy supporting you in your decision to be a twit.”
”I suppose I'd have to be, to deny myself a windfall,” Lizzy replied on a laugh. ”Thank you. I want to put my mind to the matter a bit longer, but I feel better for having spoken with you.”
”You're welcome.”
Lizzy bobbed her head, then looked about the room for a moment. ”I'll feel better for having said this too-Tisn't good for you to spend so much time in here.”
”Yes, I know.” She nudged the papers on her desk. Now that the symphony was done, she wasn't at all sure what to do with herself. Rising from her seat, she shoved the papers into the center of her desk and lifted the front lid to enclose her work inside. ”I believe I'm done with composing for a while. Perhaps I'll go for a stroll.”
She hesitated a moment, and then, before she could talk herself out of it, went to her vanity to retrieve the pocket watch Hunter had given her. A walk in the garden, she decided, might be just the thing to distract her from the heartache she no longer had a way to vent now that she'd finished the symphony.
After twenty minutes of meandering along the gravel paths without giving a single thought to the flowers, trees, and bushes around her, she was forced to admit that a walk in the garden was an entirely ineffectual means of distraction.
The pain was relentless. She feared it always would be. Though she knew time could heal a great many wounds, in that moment it seemed impossible that she should ever feel truly happy again. She needed Hunter too much. Loved him so deeply it made even the most poignant romances she'd read in her novels now seem hopelessly shallow. And she would, without doubt, always love him in the same way.
Not too many years ago, had she proclaimed to Evie and Mirabelle that such a love could exist, they would have teased her good-naturedly and informed her that she was being fanciful. And not too long ago, she would have laughed and admitted-if reluctantly-that they were right.
But she wasn't being fanciful now. She wasn't insisting she loved Hunter with every fiber of her being because she wished wished to love Hunter with every fiber of her being. At the moment, she'd have given nearly anything to feel less for him. How could she not, when he hadn't a fiber of love to spare for her? to love Hunter with every fiber of her being. At the moment, she'd have given nearly anything to feel less for him. How could she not, when he hadn't a fiber of love to spare for her?
Battling back tears, she stopped to sit on a stone bench, and reach into her pocket to pull out the watch. She traced the gold inlay with her thumb and felt the watch ticking, steady and sure, beneath her finger. For the life of her, she couldn't explain why she'd taken it out of her vanity. She wasn't using it to keep a consistent tempo of any music. She'd simply wanted it with her. She wanted to feel the steadiness.
That's what Hunter wanted too, she thought dully-steadiness, certainty, constancy. It was what he had gone without as a boy, and it was what he needed now.
She'd offered him a love that constant. She'd offered to beg beg, for pity's sake. She closed her eyes as a wave of humiliation washed over her. Oh, what had she been thinking?
That I love him.
That I'd do anything for him.
That I wanted him never to doubt either.
Surely he couldn't have doubted after that. Except...she had had left. She'd walked away as he'd stood there, watching her from the steps. She'd gone even after he asked her-albeit in a very roundabout sort of way-not to go. She'd left him, just as his aunt had, and Lizzy. left. She'd walked away as he'd stood there, watching her from the steps. She'd gone even after he asked her-albeit in a very roundabout sort of way-not to go. She'd left him, just as his aunt had, and Lizzy.
It was different, of course. He didn't love her as he'd loved his aunt and Lizzy. But it was the same, in that she was supposed to be someone who loved him, and she'd left.
”Oh, dear.”
But what else could she have done-remained at Pallton House, pretending to enjoy the house party as if nothing was wrong? As if he'd not broken her heart? Besides, she'd only gone to Haldon, not Australia. He must have understood she was only going away a little and only because he'd hurt her.