Part 23 (1/2)
”Heaven and h.e.l.l, a state of mind? Is that what we're agreeing to?” I asked, getting serious again.
”That's the word floating around the cosmos,” Trevor said.
”It makes sense, when you think about it,” I said, ”but what happens when you're not thinking about it?”
”What do you mean?”
”A life experience is designed to help a soul grow, to learn. It's a role-play without you knowing you're playing a role. When you're in a life, it's almost impossible to internalize that all events happen perfectly, no matter how imperfect they feel at the time.”
”So you think there's no free choice? That doesn't feel right to me. I made a ton of choices, some good and some bad. I had to live with the consequences, remember?” Trevor said.
”Imagine that the premise is wrong. What if there is endless free choice and not a single choice is right or wrong? Could every choice be a possibility? What if every option feels good or bad based only on our perception of it? Or if all the *rules' aren't really rules? What would happen if just being in the moment was an option?”
I knew I was onto something, because he ran his fingers through his hair.
I took it a step further. ”The moment I killed Oliver was the moment I discovered h.e.l.l on earth, but what would've happened if I hadn't let it be a h.e.l.l?”
”I don't know if that's possible, Elliot. How can you not be traumatized by that kind of thing?”
”I'm not talking about eliminating the emotional turmoil. That's a big part of the learning. What I want to know is what would happen if”a”I struggled to find the right wordsa””we all did what you did?”
”What did I do?”
”There was that moment, at Oliver's grave, where you let it all go. I saw it in your eyes. From that point on, I wasn't the Elliot who had done something bad. I was just Elliot, the girl who had the experience. You saw me.”
”You mean, what if the judgments stopped?”
”What if we stopped reacting to everything as if fear was G.o.d?” It was right at that moment that the elastic band of my spiritual consciousness snapped. I wasn't capable of reaching out any further into the unknown. I was back to a more realistic state of enlightenment.
”I think you might be right, but it's hard to wrap my mind around it,” Trevor said.
”My vision is obscured by all that smoke coming out of your ears,” I teased.
”Enough talk.”
He took a step closer, pus.h.i.+ng me back up against his truck.
”There will be no Delves, no sudden movements that require medical attention. There will be no misinterpreted conversations resulting in someone stalking off in anger.” He towered over me, arms braced against the side of his truck, his mouth inches from my ear. ”There will be no rescuing Oliver and there will be no spiritually enlightening discussions.”
”Uh-huh.”
”I'm going to kiss you.”
”I . . .”
He touched his finger to my lips. ”And there will be no requests for the chocolate bar in the glove department.”
My stomach growled. So embarra.s.sing.
”And there will be no beating me to the punch. I love you, Elliot.”
His lips replaced his finger and I wound my arms around his neck, unable to get close enough.
”Trevor?”
He gave a low growl, reminding me of his long list of things I was not to do in this moment, but I couldn't help ita”this had to be done.
”I love you, too.”
He groaned loudly, but for once it was for all the right reasons.
34.
the be
present
As Trevor's truck bounced toward the Haven, I saw a crowd of familiar people on the large front porch. Mel, Oliver, Freddie, and David were all gesticulating at each other.
Trevor slid Sally under a large oak tree on the side lawn and we both hopped out. I figured this might be my first test, to see if I could keep that heavenly feeling, even under stress. One look at David, spittle flying out of his mouth onto Mel, confirmed that I was nowhere near my goal of enlightenment.
”David, no one here is against you. We are not trying to get you transferred. What Freddie said was true. You don't work here.” Mel tried to keep her voice light, but her hands anch.o.r.ed on her hips told a different story.
Trevor shot me a wide-eyed look. I would have filled him in, but that whole kissing thing . . . I shrugged and took his hand. He was going to have to pick this up on the fly.
”You want me out of here so you can run the whole place by yourself.” David had a defensive stance, but he squinted with determination.
”I don't work here either!” Mel's bangles slid from wrists to elbows as she threw up her hands. She scowled at Freddie. ”I don't know what else to say to him.” She turned to stalk away when she saw Trevor and me coming up the steps of the porch.
I stepped forward. David stared at me and something ignited. The last time we'd met, I'd humiliated him. I should have known that his retreat would only last long enough for him to regroup.
As he powered toward me, ready to put me in my place, one word popped into my head: heaven.
”s.h.i.+t,” I said.
Trevor stepped up, ready to defend me. I put my hand on his forearm and shook my head.
”I've got this,” I said.